accumulating life events

Index 509

IndexIndex

accommodating strategy, 319 accumulating life events, 353 acting, 409 active listening, 226

requirements of, 227–229 Adler, A., 56, 57 Adler’s individual psychology theory,

56–57 adult years, beginning of, 58 advising response, 224–225 aesthetic person, 402 aggression, 165–166 aggressive style. see also assertive style;

passive style in action, 311 advantage, 309 behavior description, 309, 311 belief systems, 309 disadvantage, 309

agreeableness, 61 alarm stage, 356 Alberti, R. E., 314 Albom, M., 417 Allport, G. W., 405 Alper, T., 212 anger

characteristics of, 165 controlling, 164 expressing, 166 forms of, 164

annoyance, 164 anticipated life events, 353 anxiety, 161, 163–164

handling, 162–163 neurotic, 163 preparation, 163 worry, 163

Argyle, M., 2 Asserting Yourself (Birch), 306 assertion, basic, 312 assertive expressions, escalating

type of, 312 assertiveness, 319 assertive style

in action, 312 advantage, 310–311 behavior description, 310, 311 belief systems, 310 disadvantage, 311

assumptions and communication, 216–217

attention, 119 and stimuli, 119–120

attentive listening, 220 attitudes, 404–405

mental, 451 attribution error, 24 attribution process, 26 attribution theory, 26 Authentic Happiness (Seligman), 465 autonomy vs. doubt, Erickson’s stage, 57 avoidance, 307 avoiding strategy, 319 awfulizing statements, 368–369

Bach, G., 307 Bakalis, M., 305 Bandura, A., 166 basic human rights, 308 basic law of life, 442–443 Beach, S., 31 Beck, A., 366 behavioral contract, 132 behavioral expressions, 158 behavior style

aggressive, 309 assertive, 310–311 passive/nonassertive. see passive style

belief, 403 bereavement, 168 Beyond Blame (Kottler), 325 Birch, C., 306 Blanchard, K., 212 blended families, 282 Blumenthal, J., 358 Boles, R., 447, 449 Bolton, R., 227, 230, 312 Born for Love (Buscaglia), 306 Bower, G. H., 311 Bower, S. A., 311 brainstorming, 324 Breathnach, S., 463 Breitman, P., 315 broken-record technique, 315 Brown, D., 362 Burgess, G., 310 Burgess, H., 310 Burns, D., 162, 166, 368 Buscaglia, L., 306

Camp-bell, A., 463 Campbell, D., 448

Carducci, B., 14, 17 Carlson, R., 157 categorizing, 23 catharsis, 6 chair of life, 457–459 Chapman, G., 263 character, six pillars of, 414 character ethics, 414 character trait, 415 choosing freely, 409 chronic stress, 357 clarifi cation, values, 409 classical conditioning, 121–124 Cline, F., 169, 225 closed questions, 226 clothing and communication, 213–214 codependent relationship, 275–277 cognitive appraisal, 354 cognitive dissonance theory, 412 cognitive interpretation, 158 cognitive restructuring, 68, 355 cognitive theories, 67

and social-learning theory, 69–71 cohabitation relationships, 266–267 collaborating strategy, 320 collectivism vs. individualism, 75, 76 Collier, M. J., 317 commitment, 363

love components, 261 in relationships, 265–268

communication, 29–30, 204–205 barriers, 208 channels, 207 interpersonal, barriers to, 208 nonverbal, 209–214 one-way, 208 person-to-person, 230–231 process, 206–207 in relationships, 230–231, 273 technology and, 218 transaction, parts of, 206–207 two-way, 208 verbal, 214–218

companionate love, 261 compensation, 56 competing/forcing strategy, 320 complementary needs relationship, 256 components of love, 261 compromising strategy, 320 conditioned reinforcers, 125 conditioned response, 121, 122

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510 Index

conditioned stimulus, 121, 122 confi dant, 280 confl ict

causes, 304 defi nition, 304 interpersonal. see interpersonal

confl ict issues, 304 management, 306–307, 316–319 negative eff ects of, 306 non-resolving of, 325–327 positive eff ects of, 305–306 realities of, 305 strategy for handling

accommodating, 319–320 avoiding, 319 collaborating, 320 competing/forcing, 320 compromising, 320

confl icting stimuli, 120 conscientiousness, 61 consequences, 125–126, 130 consummate love, 261 control of life, 111–112 Cooley, C., 82 cooperative (collaborative) problem

solving, 310 cooperativeness, 319 coping, 360

options, 365 Corey, G., 417 Corey, M., 417 Covey, S., 220, 221, 226, 414, 444, 449, 454 Csikszentmihalyi, M., 463 culture

and emotions, 178 interaction with diff erent people, 32–33 management, 317–319 and organization of time, 456

daily hassles, 353 dating, 25

internet, 255 and mate selection, 257

Davis, M., 307 Dawson, G., 464 Deangelis, B., 268 debilitative emotions, 161 DeCenzo, D., 306 decoding, 207 defense mechanisms, 360

examples of, 361 primary characteristics, 360

defensive coping, 360 delight, 172 Demarais, A., 28 denial, 361

desensitization, 123 Deutsch, M., 304 Diener, Ed., 461, 462 diff erentness, 304 dirty fi ghting techniques, 307, 308 displacement, 361 dissonance theory, 412 distance and communication, 212–213 distress, 172, 351 divorce

impact of, 280–281 predictors of, 278–280 rates, 278 remarriages, 282

domination, 309 door openers, 227 double bind, 209 Dovidio, J., 405 drives, 443 Dubrin, A., 415

Eckman, P., 209 economic person, 402 ego, 56 80-20 principle, 456 Ekman, P., 178 Elliot, C., 401 Ellis, A., 158, 365–366, 368, 370 Emery, G., 158, 160, 175, 178 Emmons, M. L., 314 emotional attachments, 11–12 emotional debt, 175–176 Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter

More Th an IQ (Goleman), 157, 173 emotional intelligence (EI), 172–173 emotional maturity, 174 emotional support, 12, 13 emotion-packed phrases, 217–218 emotions, 156–157

benefi ts of expressing, 179–180 characteristics of, 157–159 and culture, 178 dealing with, 176–178 debilitative, 161 denying, 174–175 development of, 172 expressing, 177, 179–180 facilitative, 161 intense, 161 mild, 161 mixed, 160 primary, 159 problem, 161 repression of, 174–175 suppression of, 175 types of, 159–161

empathetic listening, 220

empathy, 231 empty love, 261 encoding, 206 Encyclopedia of Confl ict Resolution

(Burgess), 310 Enright, R., 182 envy, 277 Epstein, M., 460 Erikson, E., 56, 57 Erikson’s eight stages of psychosocial

development, 57–60 esteem needs, 446 ethics

character, 414 choices, 413 integrity and, 415–416

eustress, 351 exhaustion stage, 356 expectations

power of, 26 and self-fulfi lling prophecy, 27–28

explanatory style optimistic, 115 pessimistic, 115

external control, 108–110 characteristics of, 112

external locus of control, 108 external noise, 207 extraversion, 62 extroversion and happiness, 463

facial expressions and eye contact, 209–210

facilitative emotions, 161 Fadiman, J., 448 family violence in relationship, 274–275 fatuous love, 262 fear, 161

handling, 162–163 types of, 162

feedback, 207 feeling of self-confi dence, 450–451 feelings. see emotions Feingold, A., 25 Festinger, L., 54, 412 Figler, H., 442 First Th ings First (Covey), 455 Fisher, R., 324 Florian, V., 363 fl ow, living in a state of, 463 Forgive for Love (Luskin), 182 forgiveness, 180–182 Forgiveness: How to Make Peace with Your

Past and Get On with Your Life (Simon and Simon), 181

Forgiveness Is a Choice (Enright), 182 Frankl, V., 65, 416

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Index 511

Freud, S., 55, 167 Freud’s theory of personality development,

55, 56 friends

becoming, 251–257 becoming lovers, 259–265 defi nition of, 251, 253 fi nding, 254 liking, 253–254 responses of, 251–252 similarities within, 253 trusting, 252–253

full value, 409

gaining self-knowledge, 54 Gardner, R., 159 gay/lesbian relationships, 282 Geen, R., 309 gender

and communication, 219–220 diff erences, 316–317 management, 316–317 and self-effi cacy, 113

general adaptation syndrome, 356 generativity vs. self-absorption, Erickson’s

stage, 59 gestures and body movements, 211–212 goal setting for life planning, 449–450 Goleman, D., 157, 173 good friend, defi nition of, 251–252 Good Grief (Westburg), 169 Gordon, T., 227, 228, 305, 313, 322 Gottman, J., 268, 272 Grasha, A., 307 grief, 168

dealing with loss, 168–169 good grief, 169

grief-work, 168 guilt, 166–167

Hall, E. T., 213, 456 Hammond, J., 325 happiness

defi nitions of, 460–461 extroversion and, 463 myths and truths for, 461–462 optimism and, 462–463 personal control and, 463 self-esteem and, 462 and well-being, 460

hardiness, 363 harmony in life, 457–459 Harper, R., 158, 370 hate, 164 hearing, 221 Helmstetter, S., 451 Heslin, R., 212

Hetherington, E. M., 281 hidden agenda and listening, 222 high-context cultures, 318 high self-esteem, 76, 78 high self-worth, 66 Hjorth, L., 305 Hocker, J., 304 honeymoon period, 269–270 Horn, S., 231 hostility, 164 Human Aggression (Geen), 309 hyperstress, 351–352 hypostress, 352

id, 55 and superego, 56

identity vs. role confusion, Erickson’s stage, 58

If You Don’t Know Where You’re Going, You’ll Probably End Up Somewhere Else (Campbell), 448

ignoring while listening, 220 image, changing projected, 28–29 “I” message

examples of, 314 parts of, 313–314 suggestions for delivering, 314–315

immune system, 356 impression management, 28 impressions, fi rst, 21–23, 28 individualism vs. collectivism, 75, 76 individuation, 403 industry vs. inferiority, 58 infatuation, 261 inferiority complex, 56 in-group-out-group bias, 23 initial response level, 130 initiative vs. guilt, Erickson’s stage, 58 integrity and ethics, 415–416 integrity vs. despair, Erickson’s stage, 59 intense emotions, 161 interactional possibilities, 22 intercultural interactions, 32–33 internal control, 109–110

characteristics of, 112 internal locus of control, 108, 109, 111 internal noise, 207 internet dating, 255 interpersonal communication, barriers

to, 208 interpersonal confl ict, mastering, 320–322 interpersonal relations, 65 interpretative response, 225 intimacy, components of love, 261 intimacy vs. isolation, Erickson’s stage,

58–59 intimate distance, 213

introversion, 62 intuition, 63 irrational beliefs, 366.

see also rational beliefs characteristics of, 368–369 disputing, 370 vs. rational beliefs, 366–368

Jacobson, L., 27 jealousy, 277 Johari Window, 7–9

blind self, 7–8 hidden self, 8 open self, 7 size of, 8 unknown self, 8

Johnson, D., 450 Josephson, M., 414 Jourard, S., 2, 4, 167 judging response, 223 judgment, 63

Kassian, M., 204 kinesics, 209 Kluckhohn, F., 401 Knapp, M., 214 Kobasa, S., 363 Kottler, J., 325 Kübler-Ross, E., 168 Kushner, R. H., 182

lack of control, 110 languages, love, 263–264 law of eff ect, 125 Lazarus, A., 158 learned helplessness, 111

vs. personal control, 111 learning

defi nition of, 119 observational, 118 theory, 121

learning to be assertive, 312–314 Lerner, H., 166 life-cycle development, 60 Life is So Good (Dawson), 464 life planning

eff ective, 459 goal setting for, 449–450 happiness, 459–465 harmony, 457–459 risks for, 442–443 success, 450–453 time management for, 453–456

Life 101 (Roger-John and McWilliams), 157 liking, 253–254 listening, 220–221

active, 226, 227–229

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512 Index

listening (continued) attentive, 220 barriers to, 221–223 empathetic, 220 passive, 208 selective, 220 with the third ear, 227

living together, 266 living together loneliness (LTL), 10 loneliness, 10–11

overcoming, 11 lose-lose approach, 319 lose-win approach, 319 love

and belonging needs, 446 components of, 261 cultural infl uence on, 263 defi nition of, 259 development of, 262–263 expressing, 171–172 languages, 263–264 learned attitudes, 169 men vs. women, 265 myths about, 260 use and misuse of, 169–171

Love, Medicine, and Miracles, (Siegel), 464 lovers, friends becoming, 259–265 low-context cultures, 318. see also

high-context cultures low self-esteem

costs of, 77 high self-esteem vs., 76

low self-worth, 66 Luskin, F., 182

Mackenzie, A., 453 MacLaren, C., 370 Making Contact (Satir), 204 Maltz, M., 447 Man’s Search for Himself (May), 163 marital adjustment, 269–271

marriage, career and parenthood, 270–271

marital confl ict, 271–273 marital partner, similarities and diff erences

in, 257 marriage relationships, 267–268

confl ict in, 271–273 fi ve-to-one ratio of interaction in,

272–273 Maslow, A., 446 Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, 445–447 matching hypothesis, 25 mate selection

and dating, 257 throughout the world, 258–259

May, R., 163

Mayer, J., 173 Mayeroff , M., 231 McCullough, M., 451 meaning and purpose in life, 416–417 Menninger, K., 231 mental attitude, 451 mental pain of inconsistency, 412–413 mere exposure phenomenon, 31, 250 mid-life crisis, 59 mid-life transition, 59 mild emotions, 161 Miller, L., 363 minimal encourages, 227–228 mixed emotions, 160 modern stress theory, 354 monochronic cultures, 456 moods, 159 Moreland, R., 31 motivation, 443–444 motivational tendencies, 158–159 move against, 309 moving toward, 310 mutual reward theory (MRT), 13 Myers, D. G., 461 Myers-Briggs type indicator

(MBTI), 62

narcissism, 82 needs

fundamental human, 444 hierarchy of. see Maslow’s hierarchy

of needs and motives, 443

negative coping, 360 negative reinforcement, 126 negative self-talk, 68 neurotic anxiety, 163 neuroticism, 61 neutral stimulus, 122 noise, 207 nonassertive style. see Passive style nonverbal communication, 209–214 Nonverbal Communication in Human

Interaction (Knapp), 214 Notes on How to Live in the World and Still

Be Happy (Prather), 463 novel stimuli, 119

observational learning, 118 Oetzel, J., 318 one-way communication, 208 open communicator, 7 openness, 61 open questions, 226 operant conditioning, 124–125 operant level, 130 opposites attraction, 255

optimism, 115, 116, 364. see also pessimism and happiness, 462–463

optimistic explanatory style, 115 optimistic thinking, 68 overgeneralizations, 369

paralinguistics, 210 paraphrase, 228 parroting, 228 partial lose-lose, 319 passion, components of love, 261 passive listening, 208 passive style, 307–309

in action, 311–312 advantage, 309 behavior description, 309, 311 belief systems, 309 disadvantage, 309

Pavlov, I., 121 Peck, M. S., 403, 459 people and environments interaction,

70–71 people perception, 18, 26 perceived locus of control, 108–110 perception, 17, 63

people, 18, 26 social. see social perception

perceptual awareness, 17–18, 21 perseverance, 452 personal appearance and communication,

213–214 personal control

and happiness, 463 vs. learned helplessness, 111

personal distance, 213 personal infl uences on behavior, 70 personality development, 55–56

Freud’s theory, 55, 56 thoughts and environment relates to, 67

personality ethics, 414 personality factors, big fi ve, 60–62 personality types, 62–63 personal problem solving, 325 personal self-image, 73 personal space and communication,

212–213 personal values, 70, 409–411 person-to-person communication,

230–231 pessimism, 115, 364 pessimistic explanatory style, 115 physical appearance, 21, 25 physical attractiveness, 24–25 physical environment and

communication, 213 physiological (internal) changes and

emotional states, 157–158

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Index 513

physiological needs, 445 pillow method, 322 planning and goal setting for life, 447–453 Pliner, J., 362 Plutchik, R., 159 political animal, 402 polychronic cultures, 456 positive reinforcement, 125–126, 128 positive self-talk, 67–68 positive thinking, 68 pot concept of self-worth, 66–67 potential mate, 257 Powell, J., 175, 176 Prather, H., 463 prejudices, 22, 23, 405 preoccupation and listening, 222–223 preparation anxiety, 163 pretending while listening, 220 primacy eff ect, 21 primary emotions, 159 primary reinforcer, 125 Principle Centered Leadership

(Covey), 221 priorities, establishing, 454–456 prizing, 409 problem-solving strategy, 320 projection, 361 psychodynamic approach, 55 psychological fi lter, 221–222 psychological reactance, 266 Psychology Today magazine, 252 psychosocial development, eight stages

of, 57–60 public distance, 213 punishment, 126–128

guidelines for, 127 purpose and meaning in life, 416–417

questioning response, 225–226

rational beliefs characteristics of, 368–369 vs. irrational beliefs, 366–368

rationalization, 361 reaction formation, 361 real self, 73–74 reciprocal determinism, 69 reciprocity, 256–257 regression, 361 reinforcement, 125, 128

negative, 126 positive, 125–126, 128

reinforcers, 125 administering of, 131–132 primary, 125 secondary, 125 selection of, 131

relationships, 250 codependent, 275–277 cohabitation, 266–267 commitment in, 265–268 communication in, 230–231, 273 developing, 29–33, 250–251 gay/lesbian, 282 marriage, 267–268

relaxation response, 373–374 religious beliefs, 403–404 religious person, 402 remarriages, 282 repression, 361

of emotions, 174–175 repulsion hypothesis, 255 resentment, 164 resistance stage, 356 responding, styles of, 223–226, 229 responding refl ectively, 228 risks for life planning, 442–443 Rogers, C., 63, 223, 229–231 role confusion, 58 role expectations in married

life, 269–270 romantic jealousy, 277 romantic love, 261 Romeo and Juliet eff ect, 266 Rosenthal, R., 27 Rubin, J., 304

safety and security needs, 446 Salovey, P., 173 Satir, V., 65–67, 204 search for meaning, 65 secondary reinforcers, 125 selective listening, 220 self, 71

becoming aware of, 74 characteristics of, 72 nature of self, 71–73 real self, 73–74

self-accepting person, 64 self-actualization, 63, 446–447 self-awareness, 65 self-change program, 129–132 self-concept, 54–55

and communication, 217 self-confi dence, 55

feeling of, 450–451 self-control, 108–110, 128–129 self-disclosure, 3–6

advantages of, 6 disadvantages of, 5 process of, 4 risk of, 6 in women, 5

self-discovery, 2–3

self-effi cacy, 112–115 and gender, 113 perceptions of, 112

self-esteem, 75, 256 benefi ts of, 75–76 building, 16 costs of, 77 and happiness, 462 high vs. low, 76 strategies to improving, 78–82

self-evaluation, 15 self-fulfi lling prophecy, 26–27, 54

and expectations, 27–28 types of, 27

self-image, 78 development, 52–53 personal, 73

self-knowledge, gaining, 54 self-management as time management, 454 self-perception, 58 self-serving bias, 77 self-talk, 67–68

diff erence in irrational and rational beliefs, 366–368

power of, 365–366 self-theory, 63–64 self-validation, 6 self-worth, 65

low or high, 66 pot concept of, 66–67

Seligman, M., 115, 117, 465 Selye, H., 350, 352, 356 semantics, 215 sense of direction, 450 sensing, 63 should statements, 368 shyness, 13–17

analyzing, 16 causes of, 16 consequences of, 14–15 diff erence between shy and non-shy

person, 15–16 overcoming, 16 situational, 14 and technology, 17

Shyness A Bold New Approach (Carducci), 14

Siegel, B., 464 signifi cant others, 53–55 signifi cant stimuli, 119–120 silence and communication, 214 Silhanek, B., 306 Simon, S., 181, 409 Simple Abundance and Th e Simple

Abundance Companion (Breathnach), 463

single, remaining, 266

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514 Index

Smedes, L., 182 Smith, A., 363 Smith, M., 307 social comparison, 54 social control, 6 social distance, 213 social exchange theory, 256 social learning theory, 69–71, 117–119 social networks, 31 social perception, 18

factors infl uencing, 21–23 inaccuracy in, 23–24

social person, 402 social skills

improving, 16–17 in initiating relationships, 31

social ties, 12 satisfying, 12–13

Spiegel, D., 351 Spranger’s six value systems, 401–402 Springer, E., 401 stereotyping, 22–23, 405–406 Sternberg, R., 261 Stevenson, R. L., 408 stimuli

confl icting, 120 novel, 119 signifi cant, 119–120

stimulus generalization, 123 Stone, D., 322 stress

causes of, 352–355 chronic, 357 and culture, 362–363 defi nition, 350–351 eff ects of, 356

behavioral, 357–358 physical, 357

and gender, 361–362 managing, 370–373 negative and defensive coping, 360 personality types, 358–360 types of, 351–352

stressful feelings, 365 stressful thoughts, 365 stressor, 352 strong self-concept, 53 sublimation, 361

success, contributors to, 450–453 Sullivan, H. S., 10 superego

development, 55–56 id and, 56

supportive response, 225 suppression of emotions, 175 symbols in communication, 206 sympathy, 231

Tannen, D., 218, 219, 316, 362 target behavior, 130 Tavris, C., 166 technology and communication, 218 Telushkin, J., 310 territory and communication, 213 Th at’s Not What I Meant (Tannen), 218 Th e Further Reaches of Human Nature

(Maslow), 446 Th e 7 Habits of Highly Eff ective People

(Covey), 226, 414, 454 Th e Language of Feelings (Viscott), 174 theoretical person, 402 Th e Psychology of Self-Esteem

(Branden, N.), 82 Th e Pursuit of Happiness (Myers), 461 Th e Stress Solution (Miller and Smith), 363 Th e Transparent Self (Jourard), 4 thinking, 63 Th omas-Kilman confl ict model, 319 thought stopping, 354 time management for life planning,

453–456 time waster, 454 Ting-Toomey, S. T., 318 Tongue Fu! How to Defl ect, Disarm

and Defuse Any Verbal Confl ict (Horn), 231

touching and communication, 212 trait theory, 60–62 trust vs. mistrust, Erickson’s stage of, 57 Tuesdays with Morrie (Albom), 417 two-way communication, 208 type A behavioral pattern, 358–359 type B behavioral pattern, 359

unconditional positive regard, 64 unconditional response, 121

unconditioned stimulus, 121, 122 understanding response, 226 unexpected life events, 353 Unlimit Your Life: Setting and Getting

Goals (Fadiman), 448 Ury, W., 324

values, 400, 407 attitudes, 404–405 changing, 407–409 clarifi cation, 409 confusion and confl ict, 416 development of, 402–403 indicators, 411–412 personal, 409–411 prejudice, 405 religious beliefs, 403–404 stereotyping, 405–406

value system, types of, 401–402 verbal communication, 214–218 Viscott, D., 174, 442, 443 vocal qualities, 210

Ward, W., 417 Weiss, R., 11 Westburg, G., 169 When Bad Th ings Happen to Good

People and Overcoming Life’s Disappointments (Kushner), 182

White, V., 28 Williams, R., 166 Wilmot, W., 304 Wilson, R., 13 win-lose approach, 320 win-win approach, 320 win-win confl ict resolution, steps for,

322–325 Wolpe, J., 354 Words Th at Hurt, Words Th at Heal

(Telushkin), 310 worry, 163

Yalom, I., 417 You Just Don’t Understand: Women and

Men in Conversation (Tannen), 219, 362

“You” messages, 223

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