Love and Liking

/in /by

Love and Liking

 

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History of Love

  • Over time, attitudes toward love have varied on four dimensions
  • Cultural value
  • Is love desirable or undesirable
  • Sexuality
  • Should love include a sexual component or not
  • Sexual orientation
  • Should love involve heterosexual or same-sex partners
  • Marital status
  • Should be love the person we are married to or should

love be reserved for other partners

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History of Love

    • Ancient Rome: Marriage for the purpose of forging alliances, producing bloodline-no requirement that spouses even like each other
    • 12th Century: Courtly Love, love as a noble quest BUT not necessarily in marriage. Marriage = politics, property
    • 17th/18th Century: Connection between love, romance, marriage, although romantic love not expected to last

 

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Love Today

    • Marry for love = If in love get married

 

  • Would you marry someone you did NOT love?

1967 36% men said YES

76% women said YES

 

1984 14% men said YES

15% women said YES

 

2011 84% of men and women reported love was an important reason to get married (Pew Research Center)

Why the shift in attitudes?

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Love Today

    • Characteristics of Americans that contribute to desire for love
    • Individualistic self-construal
    • Economic prosperity
    • No caste system or ruling class

 

  • Keep in mind-in many regions of the world the American belief that love is a necessary condition of marriage is very unusual

 

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Modern perspectives on love

  • According to the US Census Bureau, in 2011 only 51% of adults were married (an all time low)

 

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Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love

  • Sternberg: Different forms of love based on three underlying dimensions
  • Passion = Romance, physical attraction, excitement, sexual longing
  • Intimacy = Closeness, warmth, understanding, communication, support, trust, support
  • Commitment = Sense of responsibility, stability, intention to stay in relationship

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Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love

 

 

 

Intimacy

Passion

Commitment

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Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love

 

 

 

Intimacy

Passion

Commitment

Nonlove

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Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love

 

 

 

Intimacy

Passion

Commitment

Liking

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Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love

 

 

 

Intimacy

Passion

Commitment

 

Infatuation

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Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love

 

 

 

Intimacy

Passion

Commitment

Empty Love

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Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love

 

 

 

Intimacy

Passion

Commitment

Romantic Love

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Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love

 

 

 

Intimacy

Passion

Commitment

Companionate Love

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Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love

 

 

 

Intimacy

Passion

Commitment

Fatuous Love

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Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love

 

 

 

Intimacy

Passion

Commitment

 

Consummate Love

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Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love

  • These three dimensions may change over time, especially passion
  • Thus-may experience different kinds of love, even within the same relationship

 

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Types of Love

  • Self-Expansion Model (Aron & Aron)
  • Love can cause us to experience an expansion of the self
  • The sense of self expands to incorporate new roles and self-concepts

 

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Types of Love

Berscheid & Walster (Hatfield), 1978: Passionate vs. Companionate Love

 

Passionate Love

Rooted in two factors

Physiological arousal

Belief that another person is the cause of your arousal

Intense state of longing-ecstasy if loved, agony if rejected

Intensely emotional, but emotions can be mixed (elation, sexual desire + pain, jealousy, anxiety

 

Think of the Love Bridge Study

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Types of Love

  • Berscheid & Walster (Hatfield), 1978: Passionate vs. Companionate Love

 

  • Companionate Love
  • The affection we feel for those with whom our lives are deeply intertwined
  • Although it is not what most people expect, couples married for 15 years reported that they were still together because:
  • The spouse was their best friend
  • They like the spouse as a person

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Passionate Love

Cognitive Emotional Behavioral
Partner preoccupies your thoughts Idealize partner Intense desire to know partner Strong physical/sexual attraction Negative feelings when things go wrong Longing for the other person Physiological arousal (e.g. heart races Actions to maintain physical proximity Touch and physical closeness

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Companionate Love

Cognitive Emotional Behavioral
Practical; emphasizes trust, caring, & tolerance Tone is moderate; warmth and affection Feeling of comfortable attachment, a sense of belonging Shared activities, companionship Emotional disclosure, intimacy

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Types of Love

  • Compassionate love
  • Altruistic care and concern for the well-being of a romantic partner
  • Combines trust and understanding of intimacy and caring that involves empathy, selflessness, and sacrifice on behalf of partner
  • Experience of compassionate love is deeply empathetic, feel what partner feels, extremely supportive
  • But…also realistic-we recognize partner’s strengths and weaknesses, but love them anyway

 

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Unrequited Love

  • When one’s (suitor) feelings for another are not reciprocated (rejector)
  • Baumeister et al. (1993)
  • N=71 and 82 college students
  • Almost all experienced unrequited love in past 5 years
  • Two avenues:

Platonic wants to change to romantic

Socially less desirable pursues more desirable

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Unrequited Love (cont.)

  • Both Suitor and Rejector find situation dissatisfying
  • Suitor feels loss of self-esteem
  • Rejector feels guilt, need to justify rejection

 

  • Conclusion: Love alone is not satisfying. It’s mutuality of giving and receiving love that makes it pleasant and desirable (Baumeister et al., 1993)

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Where does love lead?

  • What forms does love take in contemporary society
  • Cohabitation: A recent phenomenon, a way to advance the relationship without making a legal/permanent commitment
  • 1960: Fewer than 500,000 couples
  • 1998: Over 4 million
  • 2007: Over 6.4 million
  • 2011: Over 8 million
  • Why do it?
  • Financial reasons
  • Women with careers get married later
  • Nice compromise for many couples
  • More socially acceptable

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Where does love lead?

  • Marriage
  • Over 50% of marriages will end in divorce
  • Why get married?
  • Social norms
  • Seen as culmination of love and commitment
  • Economic reasons
  • Access to sex
  • Childrearing

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Where does love lead?

  • Contrary to media depictions, romantic love decreases after marriage (or over the course of a relationship)
  • As compared to newlyweds, couples married two years express affection for partner half as often
  • Divorce occur more frequently during fourth year of marriage than any other time
  • Why do you think romantic love is higher in arranged marriages than marriages based on love?

 

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Where does love lead?

  • Why doesn’t romantic love last?
  • Fantasy
  • In early stages of relationship tend to idealize the partner, see what we want to see
  • Novelty
  • New relationships are exciting, energizing
  • Participating in novel activities with a partner is associated with increased feelings of love
  • Passion decreases as novelty decreases
  • Arousal
  • Lower levels of arousal over time

 

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Where does love lead?

% Satisfied

No kids

Infant

Pre-school

School age

Adoles.

Young adult

Empty nest

Retire

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  • Passion decreases over time, but intimacy and commitment increase!
  • Companionate love is more stable than romantic love
  • Satisfaction and love for partner are both high in companionate love

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