I attached below the Essay guidelines and the essay First Draft
please read the Guidelines and professor comments carefully
and here the comments posted by professor :
This topic is a central one to the book, and you discuss some really interesting ideas here. I do think your thesis could use some work to make it more specific. Do also remember that while you should pull in themes from the book, you also should ultimately be discussing the conversation surrounding identity. You’re very close to a good point about the way that the negative impact of the government’s misuse of religion on the common person’s experience with it, as seen through the example of Marji, but you need to pull in more specifics and rework the set up and structure of the essay to get there. Be sure to fully explain each point, using very specific examples from the text, to support your argument. You do a good job of using secondary sources, but you need to balance it with your own specific observations at times. My other main point is related to a previous comment, which is that the organization here could use some work. Right now it is a bit list-like, and it feels at times like a summary of how religion appears in the book. Think about some other ways that you could structure this, to best support your argument and avoid repetition. Maybe it would be best to work through the novel chronologically– beginning with an overview of Religion before the revolution, then Marji’s early experiences, then the changes gradually made, and Marji’s gradual shift in attitude? (this may be closest to what you already have). Maybe it would be better to first fully discuss an overview of the shift with religion on a wide scale, then look at how Marji’s experience mirrors this? Maybe you could keep the same concept of discussing one aspect of religion on a grand scale alongside its relevance to Marji, with better connections and explanations of relevance to the thesis throughout that are currently lacking. You have options, but I think it’s worth taking another look at how the essay is structured and what organization would best serve your purpose and argument.