Tips for Improving Communication
WHAT ARE SOME POOR VS. HEALTHY COMMUNICATION STRATEGIES?
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Communication
Noise
Noise
Sender’s Intentions
Sender’s Actions
Effect on Listener
Sender’s Style of Encoding
Listener’s Style of Decoding
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Communication
Noise
Noise
Sender’s Intentions
Sender’s Actions
Effect on Listener
Sender’s Style of Encoding
Listener’s Style of Decoding
Interpersonal Gap
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Communication
- Interpersonal Gap: Contributes to problems when sender’s message is not interpreted the way it was intended
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Sending and De-coding Messages
- How effective are couples at sending messages? (Noller, 1987)
- Gave one spouse a script of a situation:
- “…wife tells you about a wonderful vacation that she would like to go on…”
- Told to send a message, but could only say one sentence
- e.g. “Do you know how much a trip like that costs?”
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Sending and De-coding Messages
- Told to send message with one of three intentions:
(a) Don’t want to go on trip
(b) Would love to go on trip
(c) Not sure, wants to know more
- Other spouse then “decoded” the verbal message
- Objective observers also “decoded” the verbal message
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Sending and De-coding Messages
Results:
- Sending Messages (objective observers):
- Happy marriages spouses sent clear messages. (Mostly via voice tone, and facial expressions)
- Unhappy marriages women good, men very bad at sending clear messages (very inexpressive)
“Do you know how much a trip like that costs?”
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Sending and De-coding Messages
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- “De-coding” Messages (spouses ratings):
- Happy marriages Both spouses good at de-coding
- Unhappy marriages women good, men very bad. (Men tended to interpret most messages as critical)
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Poor Communication Strategies
- John Gottman-what do happy and unhappy couples do?
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Poor Communication Strategies
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- Hidden Agendas
- Disguising your “real” complaint
- Mind-Reading
- Assuming partner knows your feelings/intentions
- Assuming you know partner’s feelings/intentions
- Unhappy couples most likely to misinterpret partner
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Poor Communication Strategies
- Cross-Complaining
- Responding to a complaint with a complaint
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- Kitchen-Sinking
- Dragging in every complaint or transgression, past and present
- Yes-Butting
- Rejecting every suggestion or solution
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Characteristics of Communication Breakdown
- Partner’s feel hurt, not understood, not validated
- Conversations end without resolution
- Conversations are frustrating, emotionally draining
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Tips for Improving Communication
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- Be specific, concrete, clear
- Vague “You’re never there for me”
- Specific “Last week, I could’ve really used your help”
- Stay focused on current issue
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Tips for Improving Communication
- Ownership (I-Statements)
- Own your own feelings and perceptions
- Specify what caused your feelings
- Avoid mind-reading
- Listen to your partner
- Keys Validation, Understanding
- Focus on negotiating agreements, solving problems
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Tips for Improving Communication
- At all costs, avoid hurtful, rude, disrespectful messages
Do not say things that you can’t take back!
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